then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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