how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
