he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
you made out with another girl for some wings
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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