So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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