Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
