If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
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Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
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Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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