i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
