Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Someone signed my nipple.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
