Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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