Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My life is pants optional.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
