i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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