apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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