Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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