Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
