I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
