Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
