why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
