I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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