I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
