I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize