my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
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Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
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2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Who died my cat blue again?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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