I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
