The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
