you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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