I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
