Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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