Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
