Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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