i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
