I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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