new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
