I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?