Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃