I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
