saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
