Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
