this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
