OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
is it fun? or sober?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
