I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
