just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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