I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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