Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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