Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She's the barista slut.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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