five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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