Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
