It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
