you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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