Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
