it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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