my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
