Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The power of my boobs compel you
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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