Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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