You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
foreskin is a definite game changer
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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