Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
