He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
