Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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