walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
