just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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